‘Ave it – part 2 of my guide to grassroots football without the grass.

I have been looking forward to writing this second half all week. If you recognise anyone that you have played who matches my descriptions, please feel free to tag them. I could have named four or five for every position!  I can see myself in three or four of them! Remember you can read the first part and all my other blogs at ww.anthonypottsauthor.com Enjoy!

  1. El Loco – Mitchell

This is the goalkeeper. Size and fitness are the first attributes. Either tall enough to look like a keeper or too big to run around. I have named these as El Loco because they will often come charging off their line at the most random of moments. This never ends well. Their own defenders as well as their opponents can testify to this. Secretly have dreams of being a striker.

2. Out of harm’s way – Grant

I hesitated naming a player here for obvious reasons. These players are normally the salt of the earth. They never miss a game. Normally right in the middle of everything socially, and very well liked. They are also consistent. Consistently S***! At least they can be relied on. Full back is where they end up as it is the spot you can do least damage from. These are the players where when they kick the ball no-one knows where it is likely to end up – least of all them.

3. On the Launch Pad – Matt

Every team has one of these. It could be the friendliest game ever. Bible club United vs Good Samaritans FC this player is just waiting for a chance to launch themselves two-footed at an opponent’s mid-rift. Then after the ensuing scuffle they will plead their innocence as if they were being wronged. Self-control is not an attribute they possess, and they are only put at fullback to limit the opportunities for take-off. Warning: DO NOT PLAY THIS PLAYER AT CENTRAL MIDFIELD. 80 minutes is a long time to play with 10 men.

10 Things That Only A Sunday League Footballer Will Understand
  • 4. Defensive midfielder – Tony

A little bit of history here. Before Claude Makalele and Championship manager there was no such thing as a defensive midfielder, DM, Anchor man, holding midfielder, Deep lying playmaker etc. Instead, there was a central midfielder who was expected to run around a lot. Defending and attacking. Think Bryan Robson, Roy Keane and Patrick Viera. In Sunday football the defensive midfielder is a specialist position. You need to have once been a good player who can now no longer run. This position is a career extender.

5. The Unit – Ben

Like El Loco the first attributes for this position is size. These players rarely go to  ground like On The Launch Pad (It would take too long to get back up). They do though play by the mantra of the ball or the player. As in, only one will get past. These players play in straight lines as they have a very wide turning circle. Once they start on a course they do not deviate. Interesting to note that although often 6’4 plus they often never head the ball.

6. Ping – Daniel

This is a player who can kick the ball over long distances at great accuracy. This is a great skill that they are very proud off.  As a consequence, their radar does not function at less than 50 yards. Do not bother calling for the ball unless you are further than the requisite distance. You will not receive it. Cannot play further forward as there is not enough pitch to work with.

7. Tricky Winger – Mark

I have used tricky, but I should probably have used fast. These players are often light and quick. Prone to unnecessary step-overs, they are the natural prey of On The Launch Pad. On occasion known to pass, although not often. Playing style of head down and run. Another player who can often run out of pitch. If you are a forward playing with a Tricky Winger hoping for a cross, don’t bother. In later years with weight gain Tricky Wingers often turn into On The Launch Pad or even Out of Harm’s way.

8. Love of the Game –  Steve

Lives for the game. This player will run all day and demand the ball at every opportunity. They will take throw ins, free-kicks, penalties and corners. Can play anywhere and usually does. No formation can tie him down. Will play in any conditions and when everyone else thinks, it is too cold, too wet, too dangerous, too dark, too covered in 5 foot of snow they will still try to get the game to go ahead. These players are in most danger due to Covid as without football they cannot function.

9. Bambi on Ice – Carlton

THE single most frustrating player. They cannot play football. They are clumsy, uncoordinated and without ability. But, somehow, they score goals! Off knees, backsides and faces; the ball has the uncanny knack of finding the back of the net. Their second touch is usually a tackle, their third a goal. Cannot play anywhere else as without the goals they bring nothing to the party. Every level has these players. Think Lukaku and work your way down.

10. Semi Pro – Ryan

This is a player who is too good for this level. And they know it. They get paid to play on a Saturday and use the Sunday to do all the things they can’t do on a Saturday. It doesn’t matter what their real position is, on a Sunday they WILL play central midfield or striker. There is no such thing as an easy pass for these players. Every possession is a chance to show off. Frustrating to the rest of the team for whom this is their main game of football, the Semi Pro has no interest in the result. In the end, they are deemed as a necessary evil as they can often win the game by themselves.

11. Fairweather player – Jack

These players are difficult to spot on a cold and wintry day or if you are losing as they often go missing. On a cold day they wear 5 tracksuits and a woolly hat which they only remove at kick off. In my book I talk about 21 player brawls. This is the player who is missing. In the summer they are unreplaceable especially if you are winning. At this point they can be your most impressive player. They try and live off these performances during the Winter months. Can only run in one direction – towards the opponent’s goal.

12. Wanabee manager – Mr S

The ‘A bit of Knowledge is a dangerous thing’ award goes to this player. Team talks by the real manager are often interrupted by this player. They are to be avoided in the bar at the end of the game as they will walk you through the last 90 minutes in great detail, often with the aid of visual prompts. During games they  can be seen throwing their hands up at every mistake made by every other players; toys rarely stay in prams.

13. Functioning Alcoholic – Jamie

These players will often miss games, for obvious reasons. Avoid sitting next to these players in the changing room as the alcohol seeping out their pours can be intoxicating. Often they have played at a very high level, but they rarely mention it. On their day they are unplayable as it is only their lifestyle that has stopped them being a proper player. The line behind failing because they drank or drinking because they failed can get very blurred. As can their eyes on a Sunday morning. Always good for a story or two at the end of the game.

14.  I could have been someone – Barry

Every team has one of these as does every pub. I could have been someone but… Every statement they make has you reaching for Google. Every story has you calling Bulls****. There are more holes in their stories than a tea bag but they have told them for so long they now actually believe them. These players are never available to play, they would give the game away if that happened!

NO NUMBER The Ringer – Darren

Closely related to the Semi-Pro, these are generally players who should not be anywhere near Sunday football. They play under assumed names. The Sunday team manager will tell them not to get booked under any circumstances, but if you do; remember your name is Grant. One of my oldest and best friends was often a ringer. He played semi-professionally but had a contract that meant he could not play Sunday football. This did not stop him. Rules for a ringer are to play within yourself, don’t make things too obvious. Not Darren. He was scoring three, four or five goals a game. Word soon got to his manager who went incognito to see for himself. Darren scored a wonder goal and slid on his knees in celebration – stopping inches from his managers feet. He was sacked on Monday morning!

bet365 on Twitter: "🗣️ Quote this tweet with your favourite Sunday league  football phrase.… "

If you do enjoy my blogs then sign up to my mailing list at www.anthonypottsauthor.com you can also purchase my book Eye on the Ball.

‘AVE IT!! The Essential Guide to Grassroots Football without the Grass…

This blog is about an English phenomena: Sunday football. There are over 11 million people in the UK currently playing Sunday football. I am going to give you a tongue-in-cheek lowdown on what you might expect if you were to join a local Sunday side and for a bit of fun (in part 2) tell you some of the characters you are likely to come across. I have named these players after real people I have played with. If you have ever played or watched then I am sure you will recognise your own teammates in them.

The Sunday morning football story generally begins on a Saturday night. The unfortunate manager will be desperately trying to contact players to find out who is available. This is a thankless task and there are always a few that he is unable to contact. All the players will be part of some kind of group chat, but many will go missing the night before a game. Invariable the manager will get about 4 definites, 5 probables and then 5 uncontactables. There are many variables to this. What is the weather like? Are the players out drinking? If so how big a session is it? Plus injuries, many Sunday footballers have bad knees, ankles, backs etc. Sometimes they won’t know if they can play right up to the point that they step out of bed on Sunday morning and take their first step. The lesson here is not to commit too early. The morning of the game is another key moment in the selection process. It is now a carefully balanced equation of comfort of bed, severity of hangover, level of aches and pains,  distance to travel to game, how good the other team is and how cold or wet it is. Anyone of these factors could lead to a message being sent explaining to the manager how they are ill, having to work, injured or any other excuse they have not used too often in the recent past. It is then a mad panic for the manager to call anyone with a pulse. Starting with the better players and ending with literally anyone! You would be shocked at how far down the food chain this search can go. There are always players who sign up at the start of the year just in case their knee isn’t too bad, their job has eased off or their wife lets them out the house. “If ever you are struggling you can call on me I will be there mate.” As a rule, they are never available. Messages are sent out to all the players in the team to see if they have any friends who can play. This will be where a ringer may be called on. A ringer is a player who is not really a fully signed up member of the team. We will look at these players more in part two.

Finally, a team of sorts has been assembled and they turn up. Some are clearly still drunk. This is where the players who have cried off get found out by the team grasses. “I saw Rab at The Venue his knee seemed fine when he was throwing out shapes on the dancefloor,” or “What a liar, he told me he was going Bluewater with his missus.”

At this point the kit is the most important thing. The bigger players desperately trying to find one of the two extra large tops and shorts or the smaller players looking for the only small top and shorts. Trying to not look too ridiculous is very important. Then the socks. The first players there try and grab a pair with no holes and that have not shrunk so much that you can’t get them over your calves. The last players often look like they have got their washing mixed up with a ten-year-old child when they finally get out onto the pitch. It is a very careful calculation at this time. You want to get out early enough to be able to get your body functioning before kick-off. But you don’t want to have to put up the net. A horrible job, especially on a cold or rainy day. A good tip is to grab the corner flags. Then slowly walk around the pitch putting them in timing it perfectly so the nets are up by the time you finish.  By now there will be about ten minutes until kick off. So the warm up will begin. The warm up consists of all the players hanging around the edge of the box to kick a ball as hard as possible at the poor goalkeeper, often several footballs flying in his direction at the same time. What about having a run or a jog I hear you say. That is covered by the players all having to run and get the ball having more often than not missed the goal completely. For many players this is all done while smoking a cigarette trying to smoke enough to fill his lungs for 45 minutes of football.

It is now about 2 minutes until kick off and generally either the opposition, the referee or the rest of your team will now turn up. Sunday football never starts on time. The lesser players are now frantically doing the math. The worst job in the world is being a sub in Sunday football. There is never anything warm to wear. You also are now the physio, in charge of the valuables, in charge of the drinks and if there are no supporters (family or friends) you are now the linesman…

This is the worst job and not just in football. There is no flag, so you have to use a spare shirt or a cone or any item you can find. You will get dog abuse for the whole game. Often by players who don’t even understand the offside rule themselves. Often by your OWN team! Finally, you are forced to cheat. In Sunday football you have to cheat because you can guarantee the other team’s linesman will. It is a case of better to have everyone cheat than just one team, as that would be unfair. The level of cheating is down to your own moral compass. I have seen many levels of cheating, from the sublime to the ridiculous. I am now immune. Cheating linesmen is often the catalyst for the other Sunday football certainty. The fight.  I am not sure I have ever been involved in a Sunday morning football game where at the very least there will be two players who square off against each other. Players are always braver when there is a referee about. I have seen some bad fights but I have heard some shocking stories that have ended in hospital or prison. Sometimes both.

I just touched on the referees. These are a breed of their own. Powerless in their real lives they wallow in the power that whistle gives them. Think the teacher in Kes. Remember at school when you pick your teams and there was always that one kid left? This is their revenge. I actually have a friend who is a referee. I know, I know, don’t hate me. They are an odd breed, and he is no exception. Although to be fair he was a decent player, mind you he was a goalkeeper, so it doesn’t really count. It is a thankless job and more and more they are under threat of violence as lines are crossed in our modern society. It is worth remembering that without them there would be no game. Although to be fair they do try to ruin most of them.

Onto the pitch itself. Grass is a luxury. The pitches are all a variety of sizes, none of them regulatory. Most are broken ankles waiting to happen. Often they have slopes and inclines. Meaning that games can be played on just one side of the pitch or one end. Sometimes a 5-0 lead can not be enough following a half time change of ends. The slope is often the best player. I have played on pitches where it goes up hill to both ends. I have also played on pitches where goalkeeper kicks can be slingshot back to the taker by an overhanging telephone wire or tree branch. The worse ones are next to rivers or surrounded by houses and you spend most the game retrieving balls.

The game itself is the least noteworthy. Except to say it is not really football as you might know it. It is full of noise and bluster. You know they say about a swan being elegant above the water but working hard under it. Sunday football has no above the water. Everyone is an expert, everyone has an opinion. Actual knowledge is as rarely sighted as big foot, but it is ok as no one is listening anyway. In their heads they are all Messi and Ronaldo. Artists with the field as their canvas, In reality, they are more painting by numbers trying unsuccessfully to stay within the lines. At the end of the game the next game is avoiding being lumbered with taking the kit home to wash. In the bar after, you would have thought it was El Galacticos who were playing by the way the events of the game are described. Every stumble a feint every miskick a disguised pass.

Despite all these things I have made lifelong friends through Sunday football. Had some of the funniest times and have stories to last a lifetime. I pray that Covid does not ruin true grass roots football for it will be a worse place without it.

Don’t forget to look out for part 2 where I address the many different characters of Sunday football.

If you want to read the last blogs then you can find them at www.anthonypottsauthor.com

Don’t forget you can sign up to my mailing list to receive them as soon as they are published.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑